Finding a Reason Where Reason Fears to Tread

Warning: TMI very possible here. If you're not really a friend or interested --don't bother to read.

I finally have a little bit of closure from the great ordeal that was 2008. I have never publicly blogged about this because I felt so sad, but also, because there was a little bit of shame, like this was somehow my fault. But here goes. I miscarried twice in 2008. The first was only after a few weeks of being pregnant, so while it was tragic and very difficult for me, it was easier to simply say it wasn't meant to be. The second one was in October after 12 wonderful weeks of pregnancy. I made it through the first trimester, thought I was clear, and told practically everyone that I was pregnant. And then the unthinkable: I miscarried. Again.

After the second one, I vowed to my poor lost baby that I would do everything in my power to get to the bottom of the problem and prevent this from happening again. I went to my ob/gyn at St. Joseph's Hospital in Tacoma. She said that m/cs are common and "we don't really do much about them until you're had three or more... but we can run these tests for you if you really want." I began the testing procedure there, and she discovered that I have a gene mutation which can sometimes cause blood clotting, which has been linked to a greater number of miscarriages. She glommed onto this information as if it solved everything. Luckily, I had done some research on my own, and the experts in m/c agree that often there is more than one cause, and the biggest mistake doctors make is in assuming that if they find one cause, it is "the" cause. Furthermore, the causal connection between my partiular gene mutation and miscarriage is tenuous at best. I talked to the doc at St. Joe's and she was unwilling to do further tests. I promptly got myself into Madigan Army Hospital, where they take a very proactive stance towards reproductive problems. Happy families mean happier soldiers, I suppose.

My doc at MAMC ordered additional blood work and genetic testing for Alex and me, and when those showed no definite problems other than my gene mutation, she recommended an additional test. This unpleasant procedure, the "HSG," is where they take x-Ray pics of dye as it flows into your uterus (which the doc at St. Joseph's assured me was not worthwhile to do in my case). They discovered a problem with my uterus where I have this septum, present from birth, which is low in blood vessels and does not provide a healthy environment for a fetus. The fetus basically starves (THIS [and many other reasons] is why you don't tell someone who just miscarried that it's "nature's way of taking out the garbage" -- there was probably nothing wrong with either baby. They just starved to death in my inhospitable womb. And don't tell me my effing baby is GARBAGE! How obvious is that?)

Anyway, the HSG results led them to do the laparoscopy/hysteroscopy, which they did Friday, and it turns out there was indeed a septum, which they removed. I need to rest for a few days, and let myself heal up. Hopefully, after taking estrogen to help the lining of my uterus, in a couple months maybe I can get pregnant again, and we'll hope for the best.

So, new mommies-to-be whose biggest worry is that they're being overly materialistic by purchasing Seven maternity jeans (and you are, by the way!) -- I can't relate to you at all. People who tell me "just don't worry about it -- let nature happen!" == shut the F*CK up. You Do Not Know What You Are Talking About! And to those friends, the majority of my friends, who supported me and helped me through all this -- I love you. You are amazing. I wish you every blessing in this world and if you ever do decide to have kids, may your journey be easy and simple and free of the pain of loss.

Now you know the full story. If you ever have a friend lose a baby, give them a huge hug and tell them how sorry you are for their loss. Make them something to eat. Show them you love them. That's all you can really do.